I am reprinting several articles I wrote in the late 80s and early 90s. All of these are true stories. In fact, the events that happened to me, chose my life’s mission for me–to fight against violence against women, in particular, rape, incest and the trafficking of girls, women, and boys into prostitution.
I wrote the article, Moving Forward (Healthsharing, Toronto, 1988) only months after I committed suicide. Thankfully, the doctors at St. Paul’s were able to revive me. In writing this, I was extremely fragile. While in my adult-self to write it at all, the trauma detailed is written from a child’s perspective. A little girl.
Because of this, I ask for compassion and respect. If you want to laugh at a little girl who had nobody to help her, have your fun. But please keep it to yourself. Like all girls, women, and male victims, shame is a huge obstacle for us. Double or triple that pain if the child’s body felt good from being touched, even during an abusive situation. That was a huge barrier for me, which sent my self-loathing to new levels, as you’ll see.
As a gentle reminder to us all, believe the first time. Listen with your heart and defer to our truths. Treat us all with the utmost dignity.
The stories recounted here show why I would’ve been a teenaged suicide. I later learned that my bio Dad was bewildered and despondent about my actions that night. He was not in my life then, how could he have known? I always felt badly about hurting him and was also surprised anyone cared.
Perhaps my story will be of use to someone or help any child feeling all alone and wanting to end her/his life. I can only hope it has some impact. If not, at least I know that my memoir will entail the very best of my life-energy and love toward this end.
I am interested in reading what you wrote in 1988. I write about my healing and one thing I have not wrote about yet is the ego states I go in and out of. I worry that people would not understand it.
Thank you for writing. I am enjoying browsing and reading your blog.